Sonata of a(n) (almost) good woman

I think it's really tragic for one to want to help, but can't. I think I've been a fairly good person in my 19 years of life. I've opened doors for other people, picked up pens when someone drops it, and just generally try to help people when they're in need. And yet, somehow, I find myself unable to give blood because my iron content/blood count is too low! I even checked a second time and somehow, it was even lower the second time. It's unheard of! (though apparently 10% of people get deferred because of the same reason) So, I'm a little down today. Goddamn that iron. Anyways...

I must recommend the film The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen), a German film about a member of the secret police and how his assignment to monitor the life of a director changed his life completely. I think the great thing about this movie is the main character and how he decides to fight the repression and the corruption and risk his life because he was doing what he knew was right. The fact that he was so ordinary, deprived of love, and repressed made it even more amazing that he would do something so courageous as to fight for what he believes in. I love the end of the movie where he gets his own sonata, the sonata of a good man.

Another Beginning

It's the beginning of my third year of studies in college and I think I'm actually starting to learn something. Today, I happened upon a blog of a student that did a gap year after high school. After reading it, I must say that I wish I did a gap year. I think that after going through so many years of structured education, my brain's been trapped and I have yet to truly mature. I think that I would've really appreciated a push to help me reach that next level of maturity.

Of course, I realized that I think that this isn't necessary. Before, I always imagined that if I had only done a gap year or some sort of adventurous ordeal, I'd get that moment where I'd reach an amazing epiphany and know exactly what I want to do and who I am. Now, after reviewing my past two years in college, I realize that I'm pretty satisfied with the progress I've made. There's been a lot of laughter and a lot of tears in the past two years. I've really changed as a person and I've learned a lot about myself. Still, I have a lot more to learn.

Some things I've learned about myself:

1. I LOVE STUDYING AND LEARNING. When I tell people this, they usually laugh at me and think I'm crazy. I mean, I am crazy, but I believe it's fair to say that most people are a degree of craziness in them. Before, I've always felt the need to antagonize myself because I'm not a very social person. I don't particularly like partying and I'm still fairly awkward with guys. Coherent and normal conversations are still difficult sometimes. Most times, I just wish I was reading about receptor tyrosine kinases or the elections or health policy. Now, I'm starting to accept it. I mean, knowledge is really awesome.
2. I AM SOCIALLY AWKWARD. I've said it once and I'll say it again because it is true without a doubt. I always feel very self conscious when I'm interacting and I don't know how to open my damn voice and just talk to people. I still feel like I'm being judged and I care a lot about what others think about me. I know, I know. I'm subscribed to Marc and Angel's blog, too. Still, I don't really know what I can do about it accept keep fighting the urge to care about what others think about me. Sometimes, I just need to speak and not be scared of being judged. I've found that being quiet is worse than anything.
3. I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS. This is true and again the antagonism comes in. I hate that I'm not good at keeping friends. I always have this thought that it's strange to talk to people I haven't talked to in a while. Which is crazy because there's just nothing wrong with it. Of course I have learned that there are just a lot of people that I'll never be really great friends with but I should learn to generally be friendlier and talk to those that I have made real connections with. I also need to really appreciate the friends I have. I really do love them.

So, in other words, I've learned that:

1. I LOVE THAT I LOVE STUDYING AND LEARNING.
2. I WON'T ALWAYS BE SOCIALLY AWKWARD, I THINK.
3. I LOVE THE FRIENDS I HAVE AND I DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE THAT I DON'T HAVE.
4. ALSO, I THINK LIFE'S PRETTY AWESOME!